


Kingsman - Hold The Line

by RebelDrFerguson



Category: Kingsman (Movies), Kingsman (Movies) RPF
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Eggsy's In, F/M, Harry being a defence boyfriend, Harry is very confused, Humor, Jokes, M/M, Merlin Out, Mild slash and suggestive themes, Nobody Died in GC, Paintball, Roxy just wants Percival to buy popcorn, Smut, hartwin things, mild crack, so much domestic shit i cant breathe, strange men in the closet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-03 20:19:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12154068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelDrFerguson/pseuds/RebelDrFerguson
Summary: Nobody died, Harry is alive and Eggsy is living with him after he got dumped by Tilde when she found his ‘Harry’ shrine and his ex-mentor had an incident involving stairs and the dark. They start an online chat so everyone can keep up to date with life after doomsday. (No spoilers for Golden Circle)





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the first movie. Cried about the second. Didn't like the ending too much so in my universe its 'nobody dies and everyone's a bit gay for each other' 
> 
> Bless. 
> 
> The odd chapter will be written properly to set the scene before the chat lines.

* * *

 

NAMES:

 

Harry: Arthur

Merlin: Mr. 00Tech

Eggsy: The ‘G’

Roxy: Lancelot

Percival: The Guy

Michelle Urwin: Eggsy’s Mom

 

* * *

**Eggsy Email to Merlin, Roxy, Percival -**

**_Harry had ACDNT we @ A &E, got wifi no signal, making group chat, link below!_ **

 

* * *

 

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat} _

_  {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

_  {Lancelot has logged in} _

_  {Mr. 00Tech has logged in} _

__

**L:** Eggsy, is Harry okay? The call broke up! What happened?!

**Mr.00Tech:** His glasses must have broken in the fall I have nothing but a blurred rush of his stairs on record and him yelling, Eggsy?!

**The ‘G’:** Chill guys, he’s gud, just a bump 2 his head, hurt his back, had 2 rush him 2 the hospital u knw coz of last time

**L:** But is he okay?

**The ‘G’:** He’s fine, just on way home now

**Mr. 00Tech:** Thank god you were there!

**L:** Ikr! Eggsy that could have been so bad if you hadn’t been there!

**The ‘G’:** Tells me bout it. I fink he’s glad 2. I fink im gunna move in wid him tbh.

**Mr. 00Tech:** I’m not sure he’ll agree, he’ll know what we're thinking if you do!

**L:** He’ll flip if you say something Eggsy, you know he's sensitive about his ‘independance’ 

**Mr. 00Tech:** He almost punched me when I suggested he could do with another dog, I didn’t mean like a guide dog at first but he didn’t take the suggestion well never mind the offer!! 

**L:** He’s not an invalid Merlin he just needs someone...to stand on his blind side

**The ‘G’:** I’ve bin doing that ever since he came bk n the 1 night I let him go down stairs on his own @ night for a drink he decks it! 

**The ‘G’:** I told him. Im moving in. 

**Mr. 00Tech:** And?

**L:** Oh god

**The ‘G’:** He anit said nufin 

**The ‘G’:** He wnt look @ me. Help guys.

_ {Lancelot has logged out} _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged out} _

__

**The ‘G’:** Fuck. 

 

 


	2. New Moves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting soft...and I know people love domestic fluff

 

* * *

 

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat} _

_  {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

_  {Lancelot has logged in} _

  
  


**The ‘G’:** Hey Rox

 

**L:** Hey Eggsy, how’s the eye holding up?

 

**The ‘G’:** Hurts. But I shoulda seen it coming. 

 

**L:** I warned you moving in would have him on edge.

 

**The ‘G’:** Ik. He’s cool bout it nw thu. But I hav 2 do his chores.

 

**L:** His back sore?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh, couldnt put his socks on this morning let alone get outta the bed wiv out me help. He accepted over brekky that he needs me about.

 

**L:** Good. He’ll be fine soon so don't mother him or you’ll have two black eyes instead of one.

 

 {Mr. 00Tech has logged in}

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Evening

 

**L:** Hey Merlin!

 

**The ‘G’:** sup

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** How’s your shiner Eggsy?

 

**The ‘G’:** Hurts…

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** He only lost an eye not his ability to punch the crap out of people. I told you.

 

**L:** lol

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh yh i get it k. Look we’s good nw, I just done the dishes n were signing Harry into the chat hang on.

 

 [Arthur has joined the _Kingsmen_PrivateChat]

    {Arthur has logged in}

 

**L:** HEY HARRY!!

**L:** Woops sorry caps!

 

**A:** Hello Roxy

 

**The ‘G’:** Nws y can see where we talk outta the office

 

**A:** You mean the two bedroom flat we converted into a spy domain?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** It’s called ‘Kings Place’ not ‘a 2 bedroom flat’

 

**A:** Trust you to find a place called that in London, Merlin. 

 

**The ‘G’:** ikr

 

**L:** Wait, if you're living together why are you talking on here?

 

**A:** I would like to ask the same question. Your sitting barely three feet from me Eggsy. 

 

**The’G’:** Ik you can talks 2 me but this is 4 them

 

**A:** Ah.

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** This is more a back up than using the glasses

 

**A:** Ah

 

**L:** Or our phones because you know, tarriffs

 

**A:** Ah

 

**The ‘G’:** Rox, can you make sure Perc signs up? 

 

**L:** Yeah, I’ll bug him in the morning.

 

**A:** So, I’m guessing you saw my fall Merlin?

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Barely. I just saw the stairs and heard you scream

 

**A:** I didn’t scream!

 

**The ‘G’:** U kinda did bruv, made me jump 2 fuck

 

**A:** Sorry

 

**The ‘G’:** Wernt ya fault, told ya the rug was getting loose! 

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** I’ve already called someone to get that fixed

 

**A:** Thank you

 

**L:** Are you sure you’ll cope with Eggsy?

 

**A:** I’ll be fine thank you Roxy, he’s earning his keep.

 

**The ‘G’:** Oi! I’s got your name fam, I got your salary 2, i can pay bills!

 

**A:** I’m afraid you need to protect those saving Eggsy, you know we're all tight right now, the company accounts are hurting after the cost of the rebuild. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Ik ik, but’s dnt burn ur cash on me, u not me mentor anymore, u’ll look like me sugar daddy if u buy me anymore stuff!

 

**L:** <3

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Oh god

 

**A:** ex mentor, all the same. Food bill only.

 

**The ‘G’:** Fine by me, WUD?

 

**A:** ?

 

**L:** Sat in bed

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** In bed

 

**A:**? 

 

**The ‘G’:** it means 'what are you doing'

 

**A:** Sat three feet from you in my living room

 

**The ‘G’:** ‘Our’ living room

 

 {Mr.00Tech has logged out}

 

**L:** Awkward

 

**A:** We should go to bed Eggsy it is half eleven

 

**The ‘G’:** True

 

**L:** I’ll hit the sack then, night guys xx

 

**A:** Goodnight Roxy

 

**The ‘G’:** Nt up 4 some fun Rox?

 

**L:** I don’t think Harry ‘shares’ well ;)

    {Lancelot has logged out}

 

**A:** What was that supposed to mean?

 

**The ‘G’:** NOTHING. Bedtime.

  
  



	3. What friends are for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* not a situaaation situation?!

* * *

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat} _

_  {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

 

_ [The ‘G’ nudged ‘Arthur] _

_ [The ‘G’ nudged Lancelot] _

_ [The ‘G’ nudged Mr.00Tech] _

_ [The ‘G’ nudged the Guy] _

 

**The ‘G’:** We have a situation!

 

**The ‘G’:** Guys!!!

 

  {Mr.00Tech has logged in}

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy, what’s wrong?

 

**The ‘G’:** We have a situation!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Yes, you’ve said so what is it?!

 

  {Lancelot has logged in}

 

**L:** Eggsy what’s wrong and do I need a gun?

 

**The ‘G’:** I dnt knw ya might

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** your glasses say your at home?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh, but we has a situation!

 

**L:** Is Harry okay?!

 

**The ‘G’:** He’s fine!

 

**L:** Is it a SITUATION or a  _ Situaaation _ situation?

 

**The ‘G’:** Bit of both!

 

**L:** Fuck!

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Can you please tell me what that means?

 

**L:** A SITUATION is a bad situation and Situaaation is one of those awkward moments like where you did something stupid in front of someone you like...

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Right….I’m not needed am I then?

 

**The ‘G’:** u m8 b it depends!

 

   {The Guy has signed in}

   {Arthur has signed in}

 

**A:** Eggsy? What’s this about, it’s 6am in the bloody morning?

 

**The Guy:** Tell. Me. About. It. 

 

**The ‘G’:** We has a situation...sorry.

 

**A:** SHIT. It’s going to take me a bit to get out of this bed.

**A:** Wait what type of situation?

 

**L:** A bit of a SITUATION and a Situaaation situation apparently. 

 

**The Guy:** Situaaation?

 

**A:** What he said

 

**L:** It’s one of those awkward situations like when you do something stupid in front of someone you fancy

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** This is stupid can I please go now?

 

**The ‘G’:** but we has a situation Merlin!

 

**A:** What’s the situation Eggsy? 

**A:** Wait where are you? Your not in bed!

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m downstairs!

 

**A:** Burglars? Or is just a spider again?

 

**L:** A spider…

 

**The Guy:** Oh geez

 

**The ‘G’:** It's no spider but it’s bad.

 

**A:** Did you break something?

 

**The ‘G’:** No

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Then what is it boy!

 

**The ‘G’:** Okay, so’s im down stairs in my pants right yh 

 

**A:** I’m following so far.

 

**The ‘G’:** and like i fink u know what Harry, u need breakfast in bed coz like its sunday and shit so 

 

**L:** awww

 

**The Guy:** Nice

 

**A:** ?

 

**The ‘G’:** But like as I go 2 get the eggs and shit

 

**A:** Yes?

 

**The ‘G’:** Well, I dn’t knw how’s to say it but

 

**The ‘G’:** We’s outta milk guv

 

**A:** Is that it?

 

**The Guy:** That’s terrible eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:**  I K R, I can't make pancakes or yh tea without the milk!

 

**L:** Why don’t you just go to the shop?

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m in my undies Rox!

 

**A:** Well put some pants on!

 

**The ‘G’:** I cnt, I…

 

**A:** ?

 

**The ‘G’:** Theys in the wash

 

**A:** All of them?

 

**L:** What about your tracksuit bottoms?

 

**The ‘G’:** I cnt b seen in trackies round ere Rox FFS! 

 

**The ‘G’:** 1 of u is going 2 have 2get milk 4 Harry coz he cant go

 

  {Mr. 00Tech has logged out}

 

**The ‘G’:** Well F U Merlin

 

**L:** Sorry Eggsy I’m too far from you for that

 

**The Guy:** I’ll get the milk only if I get breakfast as well

 

**The ‘G’:** Deal guv, I stills gotta get Harry outta bed like

 

**A:** I can get up myself

 

**A:** It just takes time

 

**The ‘G’** : Y fell the fuck out and over when yh tried that yesterday!

 

**A:** Thank you for informing my friends of my invalidness 

 

**The ‘G’:** Bruv u aint disabled or shit, just fucking hurt k? 

 

**The Guy** : I’m just going get a shower and I’ll be over 

 

**A:** Thank You Percival

 

**The Guy:** Not a problem Harry, anything for you

 

**A:** But, I understand this was a situation but why was it a stiuaaation?

 

**L:** Because Eggsy had to admit he was making you breakfast like a good housewife :)

 

**The ‘G’:** I wanted 2 surprise you

 

**A:** Well, I’m surprised

 

**The ‘G’:**  :D

 

**L:** Awwwwww

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crack is strong here....


	4. In sickness and in health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of angst, background and...if you don't like vomit look away now.

Harry was very pleased to find himself cleared by the doctor when their dinner appointment with Merlin, Roxy and Percival came round a week later.

They had booked a table at a restaurant for Roxys 30th Birthday and he was definitely not going to be letting a sore back weight him out. 

 

Though less could be said for his protege. Eggsy had been coughing his guts up for the past two days and he was looking rather pale as he sat on the bed a few feet away fiddling with his cufflinks. 

 

“Are you certain you're up for this Gary?”

 

At first, it had seemed odd being given permission to use his first name, after all these years calling his Eggsy. But recently a few nighttime events had left them both a little teary and for the younger man to drop the nickname, saying it was childish and it would feel more personal if Harry called him by his proper names these days. 

 

The younger merely nodded from the bed. “I’m fine guv don’t worry. Just some bug right? I’ll be okay, anyway I can’t let you go alone”

 

Harry would have liked to argue, made the boy strip back into his PJs and tuck him back in bed but he knew after the other night Gary would not be pleased with leaving him while still fragile. 

 

_ FLASHBACK _

 

_ A normal night had been ruined by the police. A house barely five doors down had caught fire. _

_ Among the flashing lights, the shouting and the rising black smoke, Eggsy had heard rumours of arson. The culprit had made a run for it down the road and the police were raiding left right and centre.  _

_ The two police officers that had demanded entrance to the house hadn’t really been an issue once they’d swept a look of the place and garden before trampling off but a lot of the commotion from outside had poor Harry on edge.  _

 

_ A woman was shouting hysterically. Possibly the owner of the house.  _

 

_ Whatever it was, Eggsy had suddenly found himself wrestling Harry back into the house earning the odd punch to his sides and snarled comments about shutting her up.  _

 

_ Eggsy knew it had to be something about Kentucky. He’d seen that church recording, the way Harry had flipped his literal shit about the place killing every single one of the gathering.  _

 

_ The women must have triggered something.  _

 

_ Something dark that still lingered in his subconscious. _

 

_ After a cup of tea and a couple of sleeping tablets, Eggsy convinced a half-asleep Arthur to bed and sat up for awhile watching him sleep. This wasn’t going to be an easy night.  _

 

_ He awoke to yelling. No, screaming. Stumbling out his bed to grasp at the door, and throwing himself into Harry’s room to find him sat up in the bed sweating, panting and shaking like a newborn lamb.  _

 

_ But it wasn’t his distress that was so frightening. For a horrible forty-five minutes, Harry couldn't remember who he was, where he was or who the hell Gary was.  _

 

_ The triggered memories of Kentucky having sent him back into a state of dissociative amnesia.  _

 

_ Harry had panicked himself into such a state that Eggsy had been moments from calling for an ambulance when the sound of Eggsy dropping something off the bedside cabinet made him freeze. In the minute that followed Eggsy merely begged Harry for his name and it all came flooding back once more.  _

 

_ Now having not known what had happened to him in the last hour, Harry was stressing over the distress he’d caused to Gary, the young lad practically in tears, his jaw already bruising from a well-thrown left hook and the rather embarrassing situation of finding his bed wet.  _

 

_ After a bit of heartfelt pleading about not being his career so no this isn’t an obligation and ‘I almost pissed my pants when I stood on that landmine bruv, don’t worry about it’  _

_ They settled back in Eggsy’s room for the night with Harry holding the boy close to his chest. _

 

_ He had to admit, he’d not had a nightmare since. _

 

_ FLASHBACK END _

  
  


**3 Hours Later**

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_    [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat] _

_{Lancelot has logged in}_

_{Mr.00Tech has logged in}_

_{The Guy has logged in}_

 

 

**L:** Wow

 

**The Guy:** I don’t think I've ever seen THAT much projectile vomit in my life.

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Please, don’t remind me.

 

**L:** Was he drunk?

 

**The Guy:** He’s been ill for two days hasn’t he?

 

**L:** Eggsy? Yeah, stomach bug.

 

   _{Arthur has logged in}_

 

**The Guy:** Harry? Is Eggsy okay?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I know the restaurant's carpet won’t be…

 

**L:** I foresee a huge cleaning bill

 

**A:** He will be fine thank you, Gary just needs a detox and a good night's sleep.

 

**A:** I do apologise for this, I shouldn’t have let him come.

 

**The Guy:** It’s okay Harry, he was fine up until the third round

 

**L:** Yeah, I’m not sure spicy curries and alcohol are best when you’ve been ill

 

**Mr.00Tech:** All I know, is we are not going back

 

**L:** I think I’m done with curry for the rest of my life after that

**A:** Seconded my dear.

 

**The Guy:** But he barely had a few mouthfuls

 

**A:** He’s been ranting about being pregnant since we got back

 

**L:** WHAT?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh for god's sake

 

_  {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

 

**The ‘G’:** Mornings

 

**A:** It’s half ten at night

 

**L:** Yes it is

 

The ‘G’: NO I means mornings as in that when i been ill, morning sickness!

 

**L:** Eggsy, I don’t know how to tell you this…

 

**L:** But

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** you're a MAN you can’t get pregnant boy!

 

**The ‘G’:** Just say that 2 Mr Eye Sex ere!

 

**A:** Excuse me?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh U! 

**The ‘G:** U just got 2 look @ some1 n BOOM fuckn preggo

 

**A:** Don’t be so dense Gary

 

**The ‘G’:** Say that 2 the fuckn baby that wnt let me eat shit

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** What did you take?

 

**The ‘G’:** Huh?

 

**L:** Eggsy did you take something before you left because you're so lucid right now, you should hear yourself!

**The ‘G’:** Im no fuckn lucy

 

**A:** Right, your going to bed, phone off!

 

**The ‘G’:** No

 

**A:** BED

 

**The Guy:** Go to bed Eggsy

 

**A:** What he said!

 

**L:** Go to bed

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Do as Arthur says or so god help me boy i’ll come down there!

 

_  {The ‘G’ has logged out} _

_  {Arthur has logged out} _

_   {Mr. 00Tech has logged out} _

 

**L:** Thank god. 

**L:** Lol, he thinks Harry got him up the duff that’s brilliant

 

**The Guy:** I screenshot the convo, this will be great blackmail later.


	5. Shopping with the gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING SO MUCH DOMESTIC FLUFF I CNT BREATHE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have broken some kind of wall with the james bond joke

 

“You didn't have to come with me you know?” Harry mutters as they climb out of his car. 

“And who’s gonna pack the bags eh, It ain't a problem ‘arry” Eggsy chuckled as they walked towards the doors of Waitrose. 

 

“Frig, this store is mega…” Eggsy whistled as he looked about the multi floor supermarket. 

 

“And we have a long list…” Harry huffed reaching into his pocket for a small red notepad. They’d been away for the past two weeks with Roxy in the States on an undercover intelligence mission for the Statesmen who we're currently very stretched doing three other jobs. 

 

“Put your glasses on and sign into the chat, I gots me an idea” Eggsy smirked taking his half of the list. 

 

Harry did as he was told and brought the Skype screen up on his glasses. So he could read the screen without having to keep looking at his phone. 

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_  [Entering_ Kingsman_ Group One]  _

 

**A:** Ah, we can message each other across the store. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Yeah

 

**A:** OK, so basics first. 

 

**The ‘G’:** 4 pint semi? 

 

**A:** Yes, make sure it's the long life milk not that cheap brand. I'm not dealing with sour milk. 

 

**The ‘G’:** oh that was nasty af

 

**A:** Merlin isn't always that forgetful

 

**The ‘G’:** Ik, but it was a week over, it had gone fuckn green! 

 

**A:** Please, don't remind me. 

 

**The ‘G’:** You think Rox needs some of her cheese? I dint see any in the work fridge… 

 

**A:** Call her, we might as well fill that one while we are here. 

 

_  [The ‘G’ added Lancelot to Group One]  _

_     [Voice Calling…. Lancelot]  _

 

“Hey, Eggsy what's up?”

 

“Rox, me and ‘arry are in…hang on”

 

**The ‘G’:** what's this place guv?

 

**A:** Waitrose

 

“Waitrose apparently, doin sum shopping, what's do you guys need at work?”

 

“Oh, god er, bread is top I think Merlin finished the loaf last night” 

 

“Can ye get them in the chat and we can all talk yeh?”

 

“Sure just gimme five” 

 

_ [Call Ended]  _

 

**A:** Gary, what carrots did you say? 

 

**The ‘G’:** The organic ones

 

**A:** ah. 

 

**A:** Bloody hell why are they over a pound more! 

 

**The ‘G’:** Better soil? 

 

**The ‘G’:** I don't needa see that u just rolled ye eyes @ me bruv. 

 

**A:** Know me so well don't you? 

 

**The ‘G’:** Says the guy who spends 20quid on hair product. 

 

**A:** The hair product you steal? 

 

**The ‘G’:** The jars big nuff 4 us both. 

 

_   {Lancelot has logged in} _

_   {The Guy has logged in} _

 

**The Guy:** Harry, I need some of that hair conditioner you had, it's great. 

 

**A:** It's brilliant, I love the one with the colour enchantment. 

 

**The ‘G’:** U mean the 1 wiv the hair dye that covers ye grey bits? 

 

**A:** Cheeky! 

 

**L:** lol. Can I get some Pringles please Eggsy I ran out at lunch yesterday? 

 

**The ‘G’:** Which ones babe? 

 

**A:** Babe? 

 

**The Guy:** ? ? ? 

 

**L:** Percy, chill, just the sour cream. 

 

**The ‘G’:** 2 4 1 k? 

 

**L:** That's great! 

**A:** 241k?

 

**The ‘G’:** They's on special 2 for 1

 

**A:** Ah

 

**The Guy:** Okay, so bread, milk… basic stuff for sandwiches for work fridge to be honest. 

 

**A:** Honey roast ham or breaded? 

 

**L:** Honey

**The ‘G’:** Same

 

**The Guy:** Merlin just text, said can you get him some more triple A batteries. 

 

**The ‘G’:** WTF, I only brought him a 8 pack last Sat. 

 

**A:** I brought him a 36 pack the week before. 

 

**The ‘G’:**  What’s he doin eattin em? 

 

**L:** I need dog shampoo, black bottle called Soft n Smooth

 

**A:** Gary, that's on your side. 

 

**The ‘G’:** on it

 

**A:** Reminds me, you really should bath JB. 

 

**The ‘G’:** yeah, I'll get him the one for fox shit coz he seems t find it 

 

**The Guy:** Makes me glad I don't own a dog anymore. 

 

**L:** So Harry are you all better now? 

 

**A:** I'm 100%

 

**L:** Brilliant

 

**A:** I think Gary has forgiven me for his faux pregnancy 

 

**The ‘G’:** Dude, I was pissed af, sick af and them tablets messed wid me fuckn head 

 

**The Guy:** But the way you were going on Eggsy, anyone would think you fancy Harry. 

 

**L:** Mr Sex On Legs was it? 

 

**The Guy:** Eye sex I think

 

**L:** He's called Harry, Sugar Daddy before now

 

    _[ Private Message - The ‘G’ to Lancelot]_

     **The ‘G’:** I do k 

      **L:** Really?! 

      **The ‘G’:** please don't tell em 

      **L:** oh you precious dork 

  
  


**A:** Well, I did just buy him two new suits,  four pairs of jeans, two pairs of trainers and a pair of boots, so I guess that's a little sugar daddy. 

 

**The Guy:** Why? 

 

**A:** Would you believe he only had three suits, one pair of jeans and 2 sets of tracksuit bottoms? Hell, he only had three shirts and 3 pairs of underwear, the boy was still living like he was back at his mother's. 

 

**The Guy:** Didn't Merlin notice he had barely had any clothes?

 

**A:** Merlin only has his suits and his training gear anyway, mans a lightweight with clothes. 

 

**The ‘G’:** I just anit had the time 4 shopping bruvs

 

**A:** You could have told me I’d have ordered you suits

 

**The ‘G’:** Wells nt like we do that much work nw anyway

 

**The Guy:** True there but really, Eggsy only 3 sets of skids kid?

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry did ye tell Perc about my pants?!

 

**A:** I didn’t mention the pair that had a hole in the ass no

 

**The Guy:** Bloody Hell

 

**L:** Great spot for me to rejoin the convo I see, we need some bleach please Harry.

 

**L:** Actually make that two bottles one for the bathrooms one for my brain so I don’t ever have to think about Eggsy’s moth ridden boxers. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Look i cnt help if they ripped just @ the right spot...they were sorta convenient?

 

**The Guy:** For what? Alleyway anal sex?

 

**A:** I can not believe we are having this conversation in a supermarket!

 

**L:** LMFAO

 

**A:** ?

 

**L:** Laughing My Fucking Ass Off

 

**The Guy:** What biscuits are on offer?

 

**A:** From holey underwear to biscuits

 

**The ‘G’:** The mcvites are on 3 for 2quids?

 

**A:** Both types?

 

**The ‘G’:** All types

 

**A:** Get a milk, dark and plain then.

 

**The ‘G’:** Not a white choco type then Harry?  ;)

 

**The Guy:** They do white chocolate now?!

 

**A:** What the hell is that?

 

**The Guy:** A white chocolate biscuit?

 

**A:** No Percival, the face thing Gary just put

 

**L:** that’s a wink face emoji

 

**A:** Oh, you do make me feel old with these fads.

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry?

 

**A:** Yes?

 

**The ‘G’:** Um, nm

 

**A:** What is it Gary?

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m just passing the tech sect and they have PS4’s on offer

 

**A:** PS4?

 

**L:** Playstation, it’s a gaming unit

 

**A:** Ah

 

**The ‘G’:** Never had one as a kid like, but u probs knew that

 

**A:** Don’t you need games for it?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yh dnt got those neither

 

**A:** See any you like?

 

**The ‘G’:** they got that new grand theft Auto out

 

**A:** Not that I’d encourage the idea of you stealing more cars Gary but as long as you promise me that you're not about to get reckless on me because of some silly computer game, I’ll buy you it.

 

**The ‘G’:** fo’real?!

 

**A:** Yes

**The Guy:** Sugar Daddy

 

**A:** Hey, see it as a reward for saving the world...twice.

 

**L:** What’s everyone doing tonight? 

 

**The ‘G’:** Nuthin

 

**A:** Same, unless the football is any decent

 

**The ‘G’:** Doubt it

 

**The Guy:** I think Merlin is busy but I’m free why Rox?

 

**L:** Anyone fancy coming over for a movie night? 

 

**The ‘G’:** We can get popcorn!

 

**A:** Sounds like a nice idea

 

**The ‘G’:** Salted or sweet?

 

**The ‘G’:** WTF is chilli and lime flavoured popcorn URGH

 

**A:** Sounds revolting

 

**The Guy:** The movie theatre popcorn tastes better than microwaved stuff

 

**L:** Tell you what Perc, why don't you go down there and grab us some?

 

**A:** We might as well go see a movie if he’s going to do that

 

**The ‘G’:** Is there anythin gud on? 

 

**L:** That new James Bond one?

 

**A:** NO

**The Guy:** FUCK DANIEL CRAIG

 

**The ‘G’:** The hell, i'd rather burn my eyes out

 

**L:** Hitman’s bodyguard?

 

**The ‘G’:** Seen it, still shit

 

**L:** IT?

 

**A:** Definitely not, Gary will have nightmares for weeks! 

 

**The ‘G’:** Fuckn wnt, im not a soft

 

**A:** £100 he screams?

 

**L:** DEAL

 

**The Guy:** £250 he screams more than once!

 

**A:** £500 he screams and cries

 

**L:** LMFAO

 

**The ‘G’:** Fuck all of u

 

**The Guy:** I’ll text Merlin see if he’ll come watch Eggsy shit himself

 

**A:** Then we’ll see you at the Odeon at seven?

 

**L:** Sure

**The Guy:** yes, sir

 

**A:** Oh anything else before we finish shopping?

 

**L:** Just nappies for Eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:** F U ROX

 

_   {The ‘G’ has logged out} _

 

**A:** I hope he remembers to get the right dish soap.


	6. Nightly Recordings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, Eggsy. You dirty dirty boy.

[Welcome to Skype] 

[Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat] 

  
  


{The ‘G’ has logged In} 

{The ‘G’ posted a video}

 

**The ‘G’:** Fuck!! 

**The ‘G’:** no1 open that fuck!

 

{Mr.00Tech has logged in} 

 

{Mr.00Tech nudged The ‘G’}

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy your in the main chat

 

**The ‘G’:** Merlin dnt open that video!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Too late

 

**Mr.00Tech:** EGGSY, YOUR GLASSES WERE ON !

 

**The ‘G’:** I K! I’M SORRY I DINT MEAN 2 POST THAT OMG

 

{Mr.00Tech nudged the Group}

{The ‘G’ posted a video}

  
  


**Mr.00Tech:** Fuck wrong button

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy for god's sake!

 

**The ‘G’:** Thats the right video! It’s JB!

  
  


{Arthur has logged in}

{Lancelot has logged in}

 

**A:** Gary, what are you doing?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry can you see that video too?

 

**A:** I see something! Bloody hell

 

**L:** WHAT IS HE DOING?!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** EGGSY!

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh fuck Im soz i posted the wrong thing dont open it

 

**L:** I dnt need to open it to see it’s a video of you wanking off omg!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** The fucking feed went through your glasses boy, i've got the whole thing playing out on my big screen, I only nodded off for five minutes and I wake up to your cock in my face! 

 

**A:** Gary?

 

**A:** Gary?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yeh?

 

**A:** Where are you? It’s half nine

 

**The ‘G’:** I went for drinks with perc

 

**A:** Is that a toilet stall your in?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Looks it to me

 

**The ‘G’:** STOP WATCHING IT

 

**Mr.00Tech:** You only lasted 2 minutes it’s already over...urgh i need booze

 

**L:** Eggsy, why are you in a public bathroom...doing that?

 

**The ‘G’:** Like am guna do THAT in harry's bathroom! 

 

**L:** Why not? Harry probably has

 

**A:** I’d like to take the moment to defend my honor here and say I bloody well have not, why do you think I keep the dog in the bathroom!

 

**The ‘G’:** Has a point, pickles rlly helps put dwn that morning wood

 

**L:** I didn’t need to know and I’m sorry Harry

 

**A:** Apologies accepted, though I guess it is fair assumption when I live alone

 

**The ‘G:** OI!

 

**A:** Correction, Lived alone. 

 

**The ‘G’:** U mean U never fisted 1 out in there?

 

**A:** No

 

**L:** Aww, Jb is so cute

 

**The ‘G’:** thnk God, i ment 2 send the vid of jb snoring cuz u knw, i did THAT an then thought omg i never showed u guys that clip

 

**A:** So let me get this straight.

 

**L:** Or at least as straight as Eggsy will ever be

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m Bi

 

**L:** Congrats, I noticed

 

**A:** You never told me

 

**The ‘G’:** I just did

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry watch the video

 

**The ‘G’:** NO DONT

 

**A:** Why? Am I missing something?

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Apart from Eggsy wanking off to a picture of YOU, and that he has a rather small penis, no.

 

**A:** ?

 

**The ‘G’:** Merlin U bastard!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Galahad your cleaning the whole office when you get in tomorrow and tell Perc he’s helping you!

 

{Mr.00Tech has logged out}

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry fire Merlin!

 

**L:** Where’s Perc?

 

{The Guy has logged in}

 

**The Guy:** Whoho! Eggsy nice show

 

**L:** Oh he’s here, how much have you drunk and do i need to pick u up?

 

**The Guy:** Evening Roxy, only four pints, i’ll get a cab

 

**L:** so I take it you saw that video too?

 

**The ‘G’:** Fuck off! 

 

**A:** Gary?

 

**The Guy:** Sorry Harry he’s with me, he said he was going to the loo didn't expect him to be fifteen minutes. 

 

**A:** That’s quite all right

 

**The Guy:** We’ll head home now yeah, com’on eggsy

 

{The Guy has logged out}

{Lancelot had logged out}

 

**A:** Gary?

 

**The ‘G’:** Yeh

 

**A:** I believe we need to talk

 

**The ‘G’:** No we dnt

 

**A:** I’m afraid when you're sitting in a public bathroom with your trousers down having just recorded yourself, doing such things to a picture of myself that I didn’t know even existed and just having ‘come out’ as bisexual as the modern day person says , I know that’s not much fuss but seeing as all our friends have just witness such a things I’m afraid we do need to talk about these...nightly recordings. 

 

**The ‘G’:** One time

 

**A:** Merlin just sent me a full list of video files from your glasses...all of them are apparently of a similar nature. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Serius FIRE merlin

 

**A:** No, Come home, we need to talk 

 

**The ‘G’:** bout what?

 

**A:** The proper use of public bathrooms!

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh k

 

**A:** And everything else

 

{Arthur has logged out}

 

**The ‘G’:** That's it I’m moving out


	7. Of Eyepatches and the Shooting Range

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit of Angst and fluff in one...dont worry next chp will be so domestic with a little kiss thrown in

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

 

**The ‘G’:** Merlin U here?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** As usual…

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry’s in a mood

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Yes, I got that feeling after he gave me a mouthful about your ‘video’ situation

 

**The ‘G’:** But didn’t Perc send that video out to Mix and Lin, why’d he shout @ u?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Percival is on a mission, I was nearest

 

**The ‘G’:** Ah soz mate, look erm, why don’t I take him home or sumat 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I’ll send you a one time password to get into the shooting range free if you want?

 

**The ‘G’:** Sweet thanks Merlin

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Just show the receptionist my email and you’ll get two hours. Just bring him back to himself.

  
  


_ {The ‘G’ has logged out} _

  
  


He bumped into Roxy on his way down the stairs. 

“Oh hey, have you seen Harry?” he asked shrugging on his tracksuit jacket.

 

“About five minutes ago, he more or less ignored my question on how Percival’s mission was going and stormed off saying he was going for walk”

 

Shit.

 

Eggsy sighed. “Did he say where?”

 

“No, but probably Green Park way, you know he likes to sit and people watch by the palace” she offered gently. “Merlin upstairs?”

 

“No, down he’s by the green park station starbucks…” Eggsy smiled “Said he needed a muffin break”

 

“Oh, I’ll walk down with you then” she laughed taking her coat of the rack by the front door.

  
  


Eggsy watched Roxy head into the cafe as he paused on the corner of Berkeley Street, Green Park was only a short walk ahead of him. 

 

But he stood and paused considering the last two days. 

 

Harry had been acting up since they talked. Throwing a wall up for seemingly no reason and playing stone cold, and ice-hearted. He’d not really told Eggsy off for his actions just told him about how his actions in public can be damaging to a gentleman's creditably when caught.

 

Percival's joke of sending Eggsy’s dirty videos to friends in Japan snapped something in the older man, and Percival had taken the high road out of town inside three hours to some very simple and unnecessary mission to avoid his wrath. 

 

Eggsy had to admit it would have been funny, if the odds of Eggsy identity had not been at risk. 

 

He thought about how he’d told Harry the truth. Handed over the photo he’d taken of him in America. He loved that picture dearly, the way the light reflected in his hair off, his glasses, the cut of his suit the way he smirked to someone off camera. 

 

Harry hadn’t told him to stop, in fact he’d merely tutted and muttered about teenagers as he made up the stairs to bed. 

 

But Eggsy was no longer a teen, he was twenty-five. With the biggest one-sided love issue over a man thirty-one years his senior. 

 

_ “I love you Harry”   _ He’d whispered up the stairs after him and earnt a strange look back as he stood at the bottom and Harry at the top. 

He’d expected Harry to tell him to leave, tell him to grow up. 

 

But he’d done nothing but lock himself away. 

 

As Eggsy reached the gates of the park he realised this emotional fight was probably a lot to do with the eyepatch. 

 

Harry Hart had always been a little vain. Prided himself on being perfect to whatever degree possible. But now he was older, missing an eye and suffering from migraines and fits of hallucinations under stress. 

Merlin had been vigilante on his medication. Desperate to keep him occupied and talked to, keep him social. 

They’d all been worried he’d fall to depression. But Harry Hart was made of much stronger stuff, then they’d all first thought. 

  
  


He spotted him on a bench facing the Palace. 

 

Eggsy stood a good few feet back before putting on his glasses. 

  
  
  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

 

_ [The ‘G’ to Arthur] _

 

_ {The ‘G’ nudged Arthur} _

 

**The ‘G’:** Fancy blowing some heads off?

 

_ {The ‘G’ attached a photo} _

  
  


He watched Harry tap the side of his glasses. 

 

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

 

**A:** Does that include Percival's?

 

**The ‘G’:** Maybe

 

**A:** Where are you?

 

**The ‘G’:** Behind u like always, where else would I b Harry? 

 

**A:** Why?

  
  


Eggsy paused unsure what to say to that and watched as Harry when to turn his head left to look over his shoulder only to realise he couldn’t and stood to turn properly to his right. 

 

Eggsy offered a weak smile and tapped a reply.

 

**The ‘G’:** Bcause I dnt have anywhere else id rather fuckn b

 

When Harry didn’t approach he walked over. 

 

“Come on, I need a break too, two hours at the range and we’ll go to the deli huh? You love it there” He offered quietly earning sad smile for the older man. 

 

Harry took one last look over at the Palace before letting Eggsy walk him towards the main road to catch a cab to the shooting garage. 

  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

 

**A:** Still doubt me Merlin?

 

{Arthur posted a photo  _ shootingrange1.jpeg _ }

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Bloody Hell!

**Mr.00Tech:** All in the box on the head?!

 

**The ‘G’:** it's taken most of an hour bt he's learning quickly.

 

**L:** Wooho! Go Harry, bad guys dnt got a chance!

 

{The ‘G’ sent  _ shootingrange1.jpeg  _ to The Guy}

 

**The ‘G’:** Perc anit gunna wanna come bk lol

 

**L:** He was kinda a douche for that

**Mr.00Tech:** How’s the range?

 

**The ‘G’:** Quiet, we’ve bin mucking wiv the hands but I think harry wants to play with the rifles

 

**A:** You don’t play with guns

 

**The ‘G’:** You knw whats I ment

 

**A:** You want a rifle?

 

**The ‘G’:** No thnx I’m k with the 9

 

**The ‘G’:** Which you getting? 

 

**A:** Winchester

 

**The ‘G’:** Woho watch out Merlin, Arthur's going States on us! 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** How many shots does it hold?

 

**A:** Ten 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** What's your best yard?

 

**The ‘G’:** Currently 40 on hand for both of us

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Not bad. That’s about 37 metres so...you could probably kill a man standing in the middle of football pitch with a bit more practice.

 

**The ‘G’:** what's that at?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** About 52 metres. 

 

**A:** I just got six out of ten in the box in a 100 yards with this baby

 

**The ‘G’:** You shoulda been here t c that Merlin fuckin hell!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** We can see, glasses remember?

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh yeah haha

**The ‘G’:** Wait? Hw long U bin watching? Coz, we were talkin

 

**L:** About the fastest way to castrate Perc? I heard that part 

 

**A:** I meant it

 

**The ‘G’:** He means it

 

**L :** I guessed that

 

**A:** Don't you dare warn him

 

**L:** lol

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry?

 

**A:** Yes?

 

**The ‘G’:** Do u hav any idea hw sexy that eyepatch looks on U? 

 

**L:** I have to admit it’s a good look

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Very bad boy

 

**A:** Okay, stop trying to feed my vanity

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m serius guv. 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** It is really bad ass. 

 

**A:** Really?

 

**L:** LIKE YEAH, my aunt saw you and Merlin the other day walking to the bank and she was like ‘it’s suits you in the sexiest way’ 

 

**The ‘G’:** He’s blushing

 

**A:** Am not

 

**The ‘G’:** So are 

 

{The ‘G’ posted a photo  _ CutieArthur.jpeg} _

**Mr.00Tech:** you didn’t need to post that I can see with the glasses

 

**L:** We can also see you checking out Harry’s ass Eggsy, can you zoom in for me?

 

**The ‘G’:** ROX

 

**L:** You should hear Merlin laughing!

 

**A:** Dare you to shoot your clip while staring at my ass

 

**Mr.00Tech:** oh lord

 

**The ‘G’:** ur on

 

**L:** This will be good

 

**Mr.00Tech:** RUBBISH

 

**L:** BOOOO eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:** Jesus! I only hit it three times?!

 

**A:** That’s brilliant

 

**L:** Yay, Harry’s happy again

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Your hand was all over the damn place, thank god you're not missing an arm eggsy!

 

**A:** The ranger on duty almost got one in the arm though he had to bloody dodge out of the way even standing to the other side of the room! 

 

**The ‘G’:** I must of bin leaning

 

**A:** My backside can’t look that good in this suit can it?

 

**The ‘G’:** YES

 

**L:** Have to admit Harry, those stripes do you serious justice. 

 

**A:** Where are you two anyway?

 

**L:**  At your deli? We guessed you’d come here after for food

 

**The ‘G’:** Aye, im gettin hungry

 

**A:**  Then let’s go, this was fun but my arms getting tired. 

 

**L:** See you in fifteen then? 

 

**The ‘G’:** Get me my double chicken!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** BLT Harry?

 

**A:** Just the B with brown sauce.

 

**The ‘G’:** Wana share chips?

 

**A:** Why not :)

 

**The ‘G’:**  :D

 

**L:** <3

 

**Mr.00Tech:** ^-^ 

 


	8. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trick or Treat? Here Merlin get's the trick and Eggsy get's a Treat

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

_ {Lancelot nudged The ‘G’} _

 

**L:** Eggsy, got any plans for Friday?

 

_ {Lancelot nudged The ‘G’} _

_ {Lancelot nudged The ‘G’} _

_ {Lancelot nudged The ‘G’} _

 

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

 

**The ‘G’:** Hey Rox, er no why?

 

**L:** It’s Halloween

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh F Yeah

 

**L:** Wana help me scare the shit out of Merlin?

 

**The ‘G’:** YES

 

**L:** Okay so I was thinking snake in his office

 

**The ‘G’:** I fink Ryan’s mate still has tht pet tarantula, tht help?

 

**L:** It might but I don't think Merlin is scared of spiders.

 

**The ‘G’:** Damn, er, we could swap the coffee in his machine for pigs blood?

 

**L:** OH GROSS, YES

 

**L:** Oh that sounds so awful I can't help but know that would work

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry m8t fink thts 2 far thu 

 

**L:** True, we could be in trouble 4 that 

 

**The ‘G’:** Shud i ask Haz? Mayb he would knw?

 

**L:** Sure cnt hurt

 

{The ‘G’ nudged Arthur}

 

**The ‘G’:** He shud b in his office so he shud cum on quick

 

**L:** Dnt use that

 

**The ‘G’:** Use wha?

 

**L:** Cum

 

**The ‘G’:** LOL

**The ‘G’:** I cnt beliv u accused Harry of wanking

 

**L:** I didn’t accuse...I assumed. He is just a man.

 

**The ‘G’:** the f he is, he’s pure sex

**The ‘G’:** shit he gunna see that

 

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

 

**L:** Hi Harry!

 

**The ‘G’:** Ignr that sex thing perc stole ma phne

 

**A:** Percival's in Glasgow, Gary.

 

**L:** LMAO

 

**The ‘G’:** _._

 

**A:** What on earth does that mean?

 

**L:** It’s the ‘Dead’ face

**L:** as in he just died of embarrassment

 

**A:** Well, if he hadn’t mentioned it I wouldn't have scrolled up to see what he was talking about

 

**L:** Your own fault then Eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:** Movin on!

**The ‘G’:** Harry d u knw what Merlin is scared of?

 

**A:** Why on earth do you wish to know that?

 

**L:** It’s halloween on Friday and we want to make him scream

 

**A:** Ah

 

**The ‘G’:** So what d u fink we cud do?

 

**A** : Well, he’s afraid of...bears. 

 

**The ‘G’:** I dnt fink wes can get a bear haz

 

**A:** Not...those ‘bears’ Gary. 

 

**L:** Huh?

 

**A:** Human bears 

 

**L:** U mean...as in HAIRY MEN?

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh the ones that look like fuckn werewofls?!

**A:** Yes.

 

**L:** But...WHY?

 

**A:** Don't ever tell him I told you this, but he feels, threatened by them.

 

**The ‘G’:** Caz he’s bald?

 

**A:** Yes

 

**The ‘G’:** Surely he ain't bald completely like?

 

**A:** Well, not completely but he is missing alot

 

**L:** and you know how?

 

**A:** Gym, locker rooms, do I need to go on?

 

**L:** No

 

**The ‘G’:** Jesus, i can't even get a proper beard i don't fink can go bear

 

**L:** We could ask the pub owner down the road to hide in Merlin’s bedroom closet and jump out at him? He’s a ...bear.

 

**The ‘G’:** OMG YES

 

**A:** Can we swap subjects please, the subject of those men are not to my liking.

 

**L:** What you doing for Friday, Harry?

 

**A:** A night in I believe

 

**The ‘G’:** Rox is havin a party, fancy dress, booze & buffet, shall we go?

 

**L:** It would be great to have you over again

 

**A:** Oh I don’t know, I think I’m a bit old for that now

 

**L:** Nonsense, my parents will be there, Merlin is coming with Perc and Eggsy’s mum is bringing Daisy over to play with my little cousin, apart from three of my neighbours it’s only a small affair, about 12 of us. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Cum on Harry, it’ll b gud!

 

**A:** Oh alright, but lord knows what I’ll wear

 

**The ‘G’:** I was gunna go as Batman

 

**A:** How old are you Gary?

 

**The ‘G’:** That’s what Rox said

 

**L:** I did

 

**A:** I have an Idea if you're not against the idea of a dress Gary?

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m listenin

 

**A:** Ever seen The Brides of Dracula?

 

**The ‘G’:** Not seen it but i knw of it, U thinking…

 

**A:** Yes, I have the perfect black and red ballroom cape for it 

 

**The ‘G’:** Rox?

 

**L:** Yes?

 

**The ‘G’:** Knw where a guy can get a gud dress?

  
  
  
  


\- Friday -

  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

_ {Lancelot nudged The ‘G’} _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

 

**L:** Eggsy, I can see you n Harry in the garden!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I don’t need to come out there to know your too close to be just talking!

 

_ {The Guy has signed in} _

 

**The Guy:** Eggsy and Harry sitting in a TREE! 

**Mr.00Tech:** HA

 

**L:** K

**The Guy:** I

**L:** S

**The Guy:** S

**L:** I

**The Guy:** N

**L:** G

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh my god, how old are we?

 

**L:** All older than Eggsy but just as drunk!

 

**The Guy:** He does look good in that dress though, well done Roxy.

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I can’t believe he’s wearing it

 

**The Guy:** I saw TOUNGE

 

**L:** OML, thank gods my neighbours came round otherwise, they’d be spying out the windows!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Think Harry’s got over his feelings finally?

 

**L:** From the way my mom just wolf whistled I’m taking that as a yes!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** There not doing anything too indecent out there are they Perc?

 

**The Guy:** Harry’s got his hand up the boy’s skirts but he could just be playing his part

 

**L:** He does make a killer Dracula

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I love how people can tell I came as Steve Jobs

 

**L:** That was a brilliant idea Merlin

 

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

 

**The ‘G’:** told you they b spying

 

**A:** Perverts

 

**L:** Wooha Harry your def drunk saying that when you have your hand up Eggsy's skirts

 

**The ‘G’:** I do look hot though

 

**A:** Yes you do

 

**The Guy:** Please tell me this means you're dating now?

 

**L:** same, the UST is killing me

 

**A:** UST?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Unresolved sexual tension

 

**A:** Ah

 

**A:** Perhaps we’ll discuss that when less drunk

 

**The ‘G’:** BTW Merlin, I dropd a gift off at ur house in ur room

 

**Mr.00Tech:** why in my room?

 

**The ‘G’:** Cuz i didn’t want any1 else t c it

 

**L:** LOL

  
  
  
  


-11:09pm-

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in}  _

 

**Mr.00Tech:** WHY WAS THERE A MAN IN MY CLOSET!!!

 

**The ‘G’:** TRICK OR TREAT MERLIN! 

**The ‘G’:** BTW, his name is Rob an he’s a BEAR

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I SAW THAT!

 

**The ‘G’:** WRU?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** RUNNING TO KILL YOU

 

**The ‘G’:** u’ll hav 2 fight Harry 1st

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Maybe I'll just go back to the office and prepare to torture you both

 


	9. Wolf! Wolf! AH ME F**KN LEG HARRY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Eggsy will you ever learn?

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy will you please stop fucking about on the stairs

 

**The ‘G’:** sorry Merlin

 

**L:** I warned him Merlin

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry will skin me if you end up in the hospital from fucking about

 

**The ‘G’:** He’s so protective recently.

 

**L:** I have to admit he was all over you when you cut yourself on that sword

 

**The ‘G’:** It wsnt even a massive cut either

 

**L:** You were bleeding

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I don’t think I've heard him so worried about you since you burnt your hand on the stove last Sunday making dinner. He was having a panic attack on the phone!

 

**L:** Trust you Galahad to get yourself an overprotective boyfriend

 

**The ‘G’:** He wasn't b4

 

**L:** That’s because you weren’t his boyfriend

 

**Mr.00Tech:** That sounds so strange to me

 

**L:** Boyfriend?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** No, the fact that Harry HAS a boyfriend, last person he banged was back in high school

 

**The ‘G’:** I fink Harry’s a bit old 2 b ma BF, he’s more my ‘partner’ 

 

**L:** Agreed, boyfriend doesn’t fit does it

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Anyway, stop fucking about, if I get anymore panicked phone calls from Harry that your hurt, I’ll blow a blood vessel!

 

**The ‘G’:** Nice 2 knw ya care bruv

  
  


**-Next Afternoon-**

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in}  _

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh fuck! 

 

**A:** Gary what’s wrong?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy what ye fucking done?

 

**The ‘G’:** fells in the fuckn hall cuz JB fuckin slavved water on the wood

 

**A:** Oh shit, are you okay? I’m at the office, do I need to come home?

 

**The ‘G’:** I cnt get up

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fuck me

 

**L:** Oh Eggsy you plank, Arthur don’t run down the stairs you’ll hurt yourself!!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Ou, you did go down hard….wait u little shit!

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry wait!

 

_ {Arthur has logged out} _

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Bollocks!

**L:** What is it Merlin?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** He fell on fucking purpose!

 

**The ‘G’:** did not

 

**Mr.00Tech:** You saw him do it and then skid in it you idiot, your glasses are on!

 

**The ‘G’:** Alright but i had no intent of decking it

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Are you actually hurt?

 

**The ‘G’:** Just bruised

 

**L:** Oh you ass, Harry went white as a ghost!

 

**The ‘G’:** Na my fault he cares bout me so much

 

**L:** Don’t go crying to me if you're going to pull this shit and then actually get hurt and he doesn’t come!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy, ye not stupid enough to not know the story the boy who cried wolf, so don’t. 

 

**The ‘G’:** Yeh yeh, told ya didn’t intend 2 fall

**The ‘G’:** Oh gotta go, my knight is here 4 me

 

_ {The ‘G’ has logged out} _

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Little punk

  
  


After 2 further false alarms involving JB having thrashed the fuck out of a couch cushion and Gary screaming murder over the chat making Roxy and Harry storm his house, and then he faked a choking in the middle of a conference dinner just to make Harry give him mouth to mouth in front of some very high up dignitaries then carry him bridal style out of the door to rest on the sofa in his office. 

 

Roxy was beginning to think Eggsy has attention issues. Because whether he was on a mission or simply in the room, he had to be as close to Harry and under Harry’s attention at all times like some lovesick puppy. 

 

Harry, of course, bless his sainted soul hadn’t noticed a thing and continued to dote and fawn over his new younger lover.

Not that they’d got anywhere passed eye fucking and last night make-out sessions. 

 

It was as Eggsy was landing from a recent mission did the crying coming true. 

 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {The ‘G’ logged in} _

_ {The ‘G’ nudged Lancelot}  _

 

_ [The ‘G’ to Lancelot] _

 

**The ‘G’:** Who’s ya daddy? Just landing, gets d champagne out

**L:** Nice job btw, new way to kill a guy eh?

 

**The ‘G’:** U fink if I fall dwn the stairs, Merlin will shit?

 

**L:** DON’T YOU DARE 

 

**The ‘G’:** Jus a little stumble i mean the steps r akwrd like?

 

**L:** Eggsy, No

 

**The ‘G’:** I heard Eggsy, yes

 

**L:** EGGSY!

 

**The ‘G’:** aright, chill

 

**-15 minutes later-**

 

**The ‘G’:** H E LP

**The ‘G’:** SERIO U S

 

**L:** No

 

**The ‘G’:**  R O X 

 

**L:** Then how are you typing?

 

**The ‘G’:** I M  B L I N K I N G 

 

**L:** and slow replying for added effect?

 

**The ‘G’:** NO  H E L P

 

**L:** What have you done?

 

**The ‘G’:** F E L L

 

**The ‘G’:** H U R T  K N E E  B R O KE

 

**L:** Pilot?

 

**The ‘G’:** RAN 4 P H O N E

**The ‘G’:** H A R R Y N O T H O M E

 

**L:** Because he’s here at work 

 

**The ‘G’:** R O X H E L P H U R T S

 

**L:** No

 

**-nearly another fifteen minutes later-**

 

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Eggsy, why has your fucking pilot just phoned the tailors to phone me mobile to tell me you’ve fallen on the plane steps and broken ye fucking leg you sod!

 

**Mr. 00Tech:** Harry want’s to know if he should bother getting up

 

**The ‘G’:** H E L P  P L E A S E 

 

**L:** Oh no he said please he must be hurt...not

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Rox, call the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, we got an Oscar performance here

 

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

 

**A:** If this is a joke Gary

 

**The ‘G’:** H A R R R Y 

 

**L:** Hang on this is stupid i’m calling his glasses

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Why are your comms offline Eggsy??

 

**A:** His comms are out?

 

**The ‘G’:** F EL L 

 

**L:** We know!

 

**The ‘G’:** I T F E L L O U T

 

**A:** Oh god

 

**L:** Harry don’t panic

 

_ [Voice chat connected] _

 

The first thing to break the silence was the sound of Eggsy screaming. 

“FUCKING HEEEELLPPPPPP!”

 

Merlin jumped knocking his coffee mug from the desk for the fiftieth time in Eggsy’s career and slammed the volume button on the laptop. “Jesus christ Eggsy!”

 

“Oh god are you crying?!” Roxy bolted from her seat to see Merlin pull up the aircraft hangars cameras.

 

“HELP PLEASE HARRY!” 

 

“Jesus he is crying!” 

 

Harry was on his feet and snatching for the car keys before anyone had time to blink twice. “Were coming darling!”

 

Merlin furious begin pulling up the radio stats for the hospital to find which ambulance the pilot had phoned out for “Hang on Eggsy, Medics on the way!”

 

“FUCKING HURTS!!!

 

“Well that usually what happened when ye break something lad” Merlin retorted smarmily. 

 

“Did you fall?!” Harry panted through the comms while he shrugged on his coat and dashed into the living area to unplug his phone. Damn batteries.

  
  


“Percy HELP pleeease...fuck” was the next reply.

 

Harry partly froze as he wrenched open the front door. “Is that percival, thank god!”

“Gary tell him to get in the chat!” Merlin barked grabbing the phone on the desk and preparing to furiously demanded why the fuck it was going to take forty-five minutes for an ambulance. 

 

“Hurry Harry, where are the hangar passes?!” Roxy shouted as she came down the stairs knowing they’d not get into the building without them. 

 

“In the kitchen!” Harry yelled back as he threw himself out of the door to the car and yanked the driver’s door open. 

 

“Harry? Harry, He’s broken his leg!” Percival’s voice rang cold through the comms and he gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles began to turn white. 

 

“HHHHARRRRYYY!” 

 

“I’m coming, Gary hold on!...ROXY!”

 

“Here, Here!” Roxy threw herself in the passenger seat only just managing to shut the door before Harry set off. 

 

“Jesus fucking Mother Mary of all dog shit Eggsy, why did you have to fucking break your damn leg on today of all days, my stress ulcers are bad enough!” Merlin barked only then to turn back to his phone and yell violently at the man on the side that no some daft old bit having collapsed in a pub was not more valid than a twenty-something man who’d broken his leg in an airport hangar and they’d better turn that forty-five into twenty or he was going to gut someone.

  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {Arthur has logged in}  _

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

_ {The Guy has logged in} _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

 

**The Guy:** This is awful

 

**L:** I can hear him crying :(

 

**The Guy:** :(

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fucking hell, the boy’s been threatened, tortured, fought off women with swords for legs, got three tattoos and he’s crying over his leg!

 

**L:** Merlin, bone was sticking through his leg, he’d broken his knee cap clean through!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fucking hell

 

**The Guy:** That’s what I said when I arrived

 

**L:** I haven’t seen that much blood for awhile!

 

**The Guy:** Harry looked like he was either about to pass out or kill someone

 

**L:** Both probably plus crying himself

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Jesus, wept, ye mean the old dog was actually crying over his little boyfriend?

 

**L:** YES

 

**Mr.00Tech:** They are so fucked with each other

 

**L:** also he needs a new phone, he broke his in the fall, screens cracked to fuck

 

**The Guy:** Poor lad

 

**A:** Hello

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh there you are, will Eggsy be okay?

 

**A:** He’ll be fine, surgery have just taken him they said he won’t be leaving for at least three days 

 

**A:** :’(

 

**L:** Oh Harry :(

 

**The Guy:** Come on, there’s no point standing about eh? There’s a pub on the corner, 2 streets away, can you meet us Merlin?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Of course, on my way

 

**A:** I already miss him

 

**L:** He’ll be okay Harry I’m sure, come on let’s go have a drink while we wait yeah?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry, suck it in your going soft for the little bugger come on!

 

**A:** I got his dad killed, then was presumed dead for over a year, lost an eye and now the love of my life is in the hospital, let me bitch!

 

**L:** You can bitch properly at the pub Harry

 

**A:** Fine, get me three pints of Guinness!

 

_ {Arthur has logged out} _

 

**The Guy:** Roxy, you won’t hear the end of this if you tell him you left Eggsy hanging on the tarmac for fifteen minutes before informing your boss you know?!

  
**L:** Please, don’t tell him, I love my job!


	10. Paintball? R U SERIOUS HARRY? (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2
> 
> Harry decides they need a day out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would fuckin love to see the cast of Kingsman paintballing. I can just here Taron cursing the shit out of Mark Stong and Colin for ganging up on him.

PART ONE

  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {Arthur has logged in}  _

 

**A:** You know what we need? 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Not another puppy!

 

**A:** Noooo, five is enough.

 

**A:** I mean as a team

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh god, what?

 

**A:** A day out, we need to boost morale

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry, if you anit fucking noticed there is like 7 Kingsman left. 

 

**A:** Exactly, so we need to get together work on our social skills and work on finding a new cadet. 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** How the fuck do you suppose we do that?

 

**A:** Paintball.

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Paintball?

 

**A:** Paintball

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fuck Me

 

**A:** Eggsy thinks it’s a great idea.

 

**Mr.00Tech:** He fucking would

 

**A:** Your very sweary today Merlin, what’s wrong?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I've not slept in four days, my cat puked on my keyboard, I drunk too much last night, I'm hungover and now you're telling me were going paintballing!

 

**A:** Oh dear

 

**A:** I’ll make sure you get the blue paintballs?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** FINE, but you owe me a bottle of whiskey and a proper day off! 

 

**A:** Deal, I’ll inform the others

 

* * *

  
  


_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

_ {The Guy has logged in} _

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

  
  


**L:** Paintball? R U SERIOUS HARRY?

 

**The Guy:** Are you drunk?

 

**The ‘G’:** Hey cum on, it’ll b fun!

 

**A:** It looks to be, i've seen so many videos

 

**Mr.00Tech:** If I get bruises, you're a dead man again Hart

 

**The ‘G’:** Pls dnt kill my hubs

 

**L:** HUBS?

 

**The Guy:** Jesus, you’ve only been dating over a month he’s hardly your husband Eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:** :P

 

**A:** I like it

 

**L:** Paintball?

 

**A:** Eggsy calling me Hubs

 

**Mr.00Tech:** *vomits*

 

**The ‘G’:** God, Mer yous in such a mood

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fuck off Galahad

 

**The Guy:** Ohho he's breaking out the codenames!

 

**A:** Quiet all of you, we are booked for the game on Wednesday and I’ll hear no argument, Gary darling please can you make another one of those chat things and add in all the members, please?

 

**The ‘G’:** Sure babe

 

**L:** You two are so cute it’s disgusting, who else is coming?

 

**The ‘G’:** Bors, Dagonet, Tequila, ur Sister in Law Joy and Elton.

 

**L:** Fuck Elton John is coming to play paintball?!

 

**A:** Yes, he’s very excited

 

**The Guy:** Okay, now I’m hyped for this

 

**The ‘G’:** We need teams

 

**A:** True, I’m thinking Team Arthur and Team Lancelot

 

**L:** Thank you

 

**The ‘G’:** Rox will make a gud leader

 

**A:** ?

 

**The ‘G’:** But ovb Harry will b best

 

**A:** Too right I will

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Well, obviously I'm on Harry’s team

 

**A:** Yes, I choose Merlin, Eggsy, Elton, and Dagonet 

 

**L:** Fine, I’ll take Percival, Bors, Tequila, and ovb Joy

 

**A:** We will see you at 10am at the park

 

**L:** Good luck old man

 

**The ‘G’:** RUDE

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fighting talk!

  
**The Guy:** BRING.IT.ON


	11. Paintball? R U SERIOUS HARRY?! (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LET THE GAME BEGIN AND THE BEST KINGSMAN WIN!
> 
> or: How Harry went rouge in less than a day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a real nutcase of a chapter, be prepared!

PART TWO

 

**Added characters for this chapter:**

 

_ Joy - Roxy’s Sister In Law _

_ MrDaggers - Dagonet _

_ Peachtree - Elton John  _

_ BtheY - Bors _

_ NotMexican -Tequilla _

  
  
  


**On a slightly cloudy Wednesday afternoon 7 Kingsman Agents,**

**a Kingsman receptionist, a famous singer and a sister in law joined together in a forest far far away for a game of paintball.**

  
  
  
  


 

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

_ [Entering _Group Channel One_] _

 

_ {The ‘G’ added Arthur, Lancelot and 7 others to the chat} _

 

_ {The Guy has logged in} _

_ {The ‘G’ has logged in} _

_ {Mr.00Tech has logged in} _

_ {BtheY has logged in} _

 

**The Guy:** Oh my god Elton John is right there!

 

**The ‘G’:** I K R, he’s sick af

 

**BtheY** : He’s signed my shirt

 

_ {Lancelot has logged in} _

_ {Arthur has logged in} _

_ {Joy has logged in} _

 

**Joy:** You're going down Harry!

 

**L:** Woop!

 

**A:** Good luck ladies!

 

_ {Peachtree has logged in} _

_ {NotMexican has logged in} _

_ {MrDaggers has logged in} _

 

**A:** Ready Elton?

 

**Peachtree:** YEEEAAAHHHH!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** We have 3 minutes to get to our bunkers

 

**A:** Objective is to get the highest shoot score, aim for the vests

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh so like laser tag but painful

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Yes

 

**L:** GO!

 

**NotMexcian:** Thanks 4 the autograph Elton!

 

\---

\---

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry ur ass looks so good in camo

 

**A:** Thank You Babe

 

**L:** I didn’t need to know that Galahad

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Me neither

 

**Joy:** FUCK, Rox, Elton just got me in the ass!

 

**A:** Why am I not surprised

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I am, he’s gay!

 

**Joy:** with a paintball Merlin!

 

**A:** Ah 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Of course

 

**The ‘G’:** NICE 1 ELTON

 

**MrDaggers:** Eye spy with my tailor eye, an AM-EXI-CAN!

 

**NotMexican:** F U Daggs that was my good arm!

 

**A:** I have yet to be hit

 

**The ‘G’:** B cuz were hidin u nutter

 

**A:** I know that Gary, it’s very cramped under here

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Get out ye pansy wankers and fight! 

 

\--

\--

 

**MrDaggers:** Elton, on your left!

 

**Peachtree:** Mawhahahaha

 

**L:** Dags u snitcher

 

**L:** I’m coming 4 you Eggsy

 

**Joy:** and Harry

 

**A:** Joy

 

**Joy** : Yes?

 

**A:** No, I mean oh joy

 

**Joy:** Oh right ha

 

**Joy:** I get so many puns

 

**The Guy:** U heard It’s a Joy to meet you?

 

**Joy:** Like every day!

 

\--

\--

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Percival U wank stain ur getting the next mission in Australia for that

 

**The Guy:** Just got Merlin in the ass three times!!

 

**A:** You do know you can only score on the vest!

 

**The Guy:** More fun to shoot him in the ass

 

**L:** Well that is just so you Percy

 

**Joy:** I love you Percy

 

\--

\--

 

**A:** Elton, find Bors!

 

**BtheY:** Gud Luck With That

 

**The ‘G’:** Fuckin hell m8 I anit seen u at all 

 

**BtheY:** I’m waiting

 

**A:** For What?

 

**BtheY:** You

 

**A:** Well good luck with that

 

**The ‘G’:** Ow! Mer just shot me Harry

 

**A:** Merlin he’s on our team!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Sorry, I thought you were Joy

 

**Joy:** I SEE HARRY!!

 

**L:** GET HIM

 

**A:** FUCK

 

**Peachtree:** I’m coming to save you!

 

**BtheY:** Locks on Arthur!

 

**The Guy:** this is so fun! 

 

**A:** GARY HELP ME

 

**The ‘G’:** I’M CUMIN BABY

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Keep running Harry

 

**MrDaggers:** Your going down Miss Morton!

 

**L:** I’m so scared!

  
  


\--

\--

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Anyone seen Harry and Eggsy?

 

**Peachtree:** Nope

 

**BtheY:** I saw Harry, got him twice in the back but not for the past ten minutes

 

**The Guy:** Merlin, what's the scores?

**Mr.00Tech:** Board says 51 to Arthur, 48 to Lancelot

 

**L:** Damn, how much longer do we have?

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Just over an hour, we booked for four. 

 

**Joy:** Where would they go?

 

**L:** I’ve already checked the previous hidey spot there not there

 

**MrDaggers:** I haven't seen them

 

**NotMexican:** Me neither 

 

\--

\--

 

**MrDaggers:** Oh F U American boy

 

**NotMexican:** Payback ye British tea boy 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** that’s now 49 to Lancelot

 

**A:** Don’t worry about us, just keep going

 

**L:** Are you hiding?

 

**A:** No

 

**The Guy:** You better not have snuck off for a quick shag with Galahad

 

**Peachtree:** Oh my

 

**NotMexican:** Quick, find em, shoot em pants down!

 

**MrDagger:** How ungentlemanly

 

**A:** Shoot me anywhere but in the vest and you're fired!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** He will you know

 

**Joy:** I think I can hear Eggsy moaning

 

**L:** Oh great ew

 

**L:** Where R U?

 

**Joy:** Behind the little shed, right side 

 

**L:** On my way, Percy come on

 

**The Guy:** Half way there lass

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Daggs, Elton quick split up and follow

 

**MrDaggers:** GOT JOY!

 

**Joy:** F U

 

**L:** RUN SIS

 

\--

\--

 

**The ‘G’:** TEQUILLA YOU BASTARD

 

**NotMexican:** I got him in the cock!!

 

**NotMexican:** I shot him as he turned round

 

**L:** OH MY GOD HAHAHAHA

 

**Mr.00Tech:** OH FUCK ME 

 

**Peachtree:** That’s bloody rude

 

**MrDaggers:** I say that’s a bit harsh, someone fetch Eggsy some ice

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Fuck that’s going to bruise, oh god

 

**The Guy:** Oh that’s awful I feel so sorry for you Eggsy

 

**A:** TEQUILLA YOUR GETTING MY BALLS IN YOUR FACE!

 

**The Guy:** Oh shit Harrys MAD

 

**Mr.00Tech:** RUN

 

**NotMexcian:** Bring it on ya posh git

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Teq I'm not joking RUN you didn't see what he did to all those people in the church!!!!

 

**Joy:** *screaming*

 

**L:** This is so bad

 

**The ‘G’:** It’s fucking swelling up!!!

 

**L:** Pls dnt talk about your cock eggsy

 

_ {The ‘G’ posted a photo fuckyoutequilla.jpeg} _

 

**The Guy:** BLOODY HELL 

 

**L:** MY EYES

 

**Joy:** MY INNOCENCE

 

**L:** OH PLEASE WHAT INNOCENCE MISS FOUR WEDDINGS

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh jesus Harry never mind teq get him ice!!

 

**A:** TEQ, DIES FIRST

 

**NotMexcian:** Fucking hell he’s shooting at me like i'm a nazi

 

**The ‘G’:** YOU R A NAZI!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I’m coming over Eggsy hang on

 

**L:** Fuck poor eggsy

 

**Joy:** where r the refs

 

**L:** We dnt have any they thought we were grown up enough to play by the rules

 

**The Guy:** YEAH RIGHT

 

**MrDaggers:** I have ice on my way ETA 7 minutes

 

**MrDaggers:** by the way Tequila the Marshal is mad at you

 

**A:** I’m mad at him!!

 

**The ‘G’:** He’s officially on my hitlist

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Consider yourself unfriended on facebook Teq

 

**NotMexican:** Maybe I shouldnt have been drinkin 

 

**L:** You brought booze in!!

 

**The Guy:** You dick, you could have said

 

**Mr.00Tech:** That was probably your worst idea

 

**A:** I’ve got him pinned down in the tank, get over here and maul him!!

 

**L:** Jesus Elton John just went running past me screeching like his ass was on fire!

 

**J:** FOR EGGSY!!!

 

**L:** Not you too!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I’m coming, Daggs get Galahad to the extraction point!

 

**The Guy** : From paintball to murder Just my kinda day

 

**L:** Oh if you can't beat em join em

 

**The ‘G’:** I finkitsgunna fall off 

 

**A:** KILL THE AMERICAN SCUM BAG

 

**Mr.00Tech:** NO HARRY

 

**Peachtree:** YES HARRY!

 

**The Guy:** GO ELTON!

 

\--

\--

 

**Joy:** Well this has been an experience!

 

**L:** Don’t fancy joining up?

 

**Joy:** No, thankyou I prefer selling flowers, I’ll send some to Eggsy for lil Eggsy

 

**The ‘G’:** its goin purple

 

**The Guy:** FUCK MERLIN, HARRYS GONE ROUGE

 

**BtheY:** Shall I phone Champ and tell him Teq is dead?

 

**MrDaggers:** Yes

 

**Peachtree:** KINGSMAN 4 LIFE MOTHERFUCKERS

 

**The Guy:** YES ELTON

 

**A:** TOO FUCKING RIGHT!!

 

**L:** Definitely, is it food time yet?

 

**MrDaggers:** Galahad and Dagonet at extraction point, the game is over

 

**MrDaggers:** I repeat GAME OVER

 

**Mr Daggers:** Arthur 258, Lancelot 109 

 

**The ‘ G’:** AT LEAST WE FUCKIN WON! 

  
**Mr.00Tech:** Thank god for that! 


	12. Dog Days @ Kingsman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where's JB? and Oh fuck Harry's having an episode again!

_ [Welcome to Skype]  _

_ [Entering _Kingsman_PrivateChat]  _

 

**The ‘G’:** Roxy is JB wiv u?

 

\--

\--

 

**The Guy:** I’m with Roxy and no Eggsy we don’t have JB

 

**The ‘G’:** The Fuck….

 

**The ‘G’:** Merlin said he followed U out of the dining room @ lunch!

 

**The Guy:** Oh dear

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Well I’ve just looked into Harry’s office and the kitchen, he’s not in there!

 

**The ‘G’:** Where’s my hubs?

 

**L:** Currently out fetching a parcel

 

**The ‘G’:** Did some1 leave the backdoor open?

 

**L:** I’ll check the garden

 

**L:** Not out here

 

**The Guy:** Does JB usually wander off like this?

 

**The ‘G’:** No :’(

 

**L:** Don’t worry Galahad I’m sure he’s somewhere.

 

**The Guy:** I’ll call Harry

 

__

__

 

**A:** FUCKING BUTTERFLIES!

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Oh Harry not again!

 

**A:** YES 

 

**The ‘G’:** Shit, where r u?

 

**A:** Just passed the park

 

**The ‘G’:** Do you have JB?

 

**A:** FUCK

 

**The Guy:** Harry they're not real you know this

 

**A:** No I mean fuck as in I left the bloody dog tied up outside the post office!

 

**L:** OMG

 

**The ‘G’:** FFS HARRY

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry just stay where you are, I’m coming to you now

 

**L:** I’m running for the post office

 

**The ‘G’:** How’d U Forget U had the dog

 

**A:** THE BUTTERFLIES

 

**The ‘G’:** ARE NOT REAL 

 

**A:** I KNOW THAT BUT THEY WONT FUCKING GO AWAY

 

**The Guy:** He’s stressing out

 

**A:** I AM NOT STRESSING OUT

 

**L:** wow I could literally hear the pitch change in your text!

 

**The ‘G’:** Babe, hold on ok just stand still, they won’t hurt u

 

**A:** I am standing still!

 

**The ‘G’:** That’s good babe

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I see you

 

\--

\--

 

**L:** Okay so...no JB

 

**The ‘G’:** What!??!

 

**L:** JB isn’t at the post office and the women on the desk says she never saw  a guy like Harry tie him up

 

**The ‘G’:** SO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DOG? 

 

**A:** Is he not in the house? :(

 

**The ‘G’:** No, I came bk finkng he might hav been a little fuck an wandered bk home 4 his toys

 

**L:** Shit

 

**L:** Harry did you go anywhere else?

 

**A:** erm...I stopped to get muffins…

 

**The Guy:** Are you sure you took JB? 

 

**A:** Yes, I have his lead in my pocket

 

**The ‘G’:** Wait what?

 

**L:** Oh god

 

**Mr.00Tech:** This is bad, did you let him off in the park?

 

**A:** Yes but only for a few minutes and then I went to the post office and then the coffee shop and then you came

 

**L:** When did the butterflies come back?

 

**A** : When I got to the park, it was only the one at first so ignored it

 

**Mr.00Tech:** When did it get worse?

 

**A:** When the women at the post office almost charged me double for my parcel

 

**The ‘G:** I’m gunna go up t the park

 

**L:** I’ll meet you

 

**The ‘G’:** I cnt run my cocks still fucking massive

 

**L:** TMI

 

**A:** It looks better than it first did

 

**Mr.00Tech:** That’s another item off the list of things we should do again at Kingsman

 

_ {MrDaggers has logged in} _

 

**Mr Daggers:** I have just seen Miss Morton streak past my window twice today in the space of an hour, what in the good name of Sir Elton John is going on?

 

**The Guy:** JB is missing

 

**A:** I lost JB

 

**MrDaggers:** OUR BABY!

 

**The ‘G’:** YES OUR BABY!

 

**A:** I swear Gary I left him at the post office!! :(

 

**The ‘G’:** If u have his lead u couldn’t hav tied him up…

 

**A:** I’m so fucking confused

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry breathe, it’s gunna be okay, if we don’t find him in the next few hours I’ll phone the Kennels, they have a search team for this. 

 

**MrDaggers:** Did anyone check which post office Harry went to? 

 

**L:** No, I assumed the lower regent

 

**A:** No, I went to the Mayfair post office walked through Berkeley Gardens

 

**L:** BOLLOCKS!

 

\--

\--

 

**The ‘G’:** I’m in Berkeley gardens, no sign of him

 

**L:** I just grabbed a cab I’m heading to Mayfair

 

**A:** I hope he’s ok

 

**The Guy:** I’m sure he will be Harry

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Harry come upstairs, you need sleep

 

**The ‘G’:** Harry go lay down

 

**A:** Ok

 

_ {Arthur has logged out} _

_ \-- _

_ \-- _

 

**L:** Dags the guy here says his wife just walked him bk to the tailors

 

**MrDaggers:** YES CALL OFF THE SEARCH 

 

**L:** Why?!

 

**MrDaggers:** the post office lady just walked in 

 

**The ‘G’:** Oh thnk Fuck

 

**The guy:** Is he ok?

 

**MrDaggers:** Our baby is fine

 

**L:** I’m turning the cab round on my way

 

**The ‘G’:** I’ll head home

 

**Mr.00Tech:** I just gave Harry a mild sedative, heart rate was all over the place!! 

 

**The Guy:** Every1 head to Harry’s, I’m going to the fish place I’ll bring dinner over we might as well call it a day

 

**L:** Thank god, get us some curry sauce will u perc?

 

**The Guy:** Sure 

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Ah love me a chip butty 

 

**The ‘G’:** We gunna have t put a tracker on JB

 

**Mr.00Tech:** Already setting one into his spare collar

 

**The ‘G’:** Thnk u merlin ur the guv

**Author's Note:**

> Note...
> 
> This is not a serious fic. I can't be with Colin Firth in a suit because he turns me to mush. #HeartHart


End file.
